It’s always important to be mindful of the things we say to our children, as our words can have a long-lasting impact on their development. In an article titled “10 things you should never say to your child,” written by Michelle Crouch for Parenting Magazine, several phrases are highlighted as potentially harmful. From saying “Great job,” which can create a dependence on approval, to telling them to “hurry up,” which creates unnecessary pressure, the article emphasizes the importance of giving children space to develop their own skills without immediately jumping in to help. By being conscious of the words we use, we can empower our children to become more independent and confident individuals.
As a psychologist, Dr. Paul Jenkins also shares his insights on this topic in a video by Live On Purpose TV. Highlighting phrases such as “Practice makes perfect” and “You’re okay,” Dr. Paul encourages us to reframe our language in a way that fosters growth and self-reflection. By focusing on specific achievements and affirming their efforts, we can help our children cultivate a healthier mindset towards success. Ultimately, it’s about creating an environment where our children feel supported but also empowered to navigate challenges on their own.
10 things you should never say to your child
Great job
When we say “great job” to our children, we might inadvertently create a scenario where they become dependent on our approval or affirmation for what they are doing. While there is nothing wrong with praising our children, it is important to be more specific in our feedback. Instead of simply saying “great job,” we can provide more meaningful praise by acknowledging their specific efforts or accomplishments. For example, if your child comes home with a good grade on their report card, instead of saying “great job,” try saying “I noticed that you got an A in English, how do you feel about that?” This encourages children to explore their own feelings about their performances and fosters independence.
Practice makes perfect
The phrase “practice makes perfect” is a common one, but it can create unrealistic expectations for our children. The truth is, nobody is perfect, and expecting perfection can lead to unnecessary pressure and discouragement. Instead of focusing on perfection, we can emphasize the value of effort and improvement. By encouraging children to see that the more they work on something, the better they are likely to get at it, we promote a growth mindset and instill in them the importance of perseverance and progress.
You’re okay
When our children get hurt or face difficult situations, it is natural for us to comfort them and tell them that they are okay. However, this phrase may trigger thoughts of not being okay in their minds. It is important to show empathy and validate their feelings instead of dismissing them. For example, if your child falls and hurts their knee, instead of saying “you’re okay,” try saying “oh, you skinned your knee, that hurts, doesn’t it?” This acknowledges their pain and allows them to express their emotions, promoting emotional intelligence and understanding.
Hurry up
Telling our children to hurry up can create unnecessary pressure and stress. Instead of rushing them, we can join them in the process of getting ready to go somewhere or do something. By phrasing our request in a positive and collaborative way, such as “let’s hurry” or “let’s get ready together,” we foster a sense of teamwork and make the experience more enjoyable for everyone involved.
I’m on a diet
As parents, we sometimes allow our own issues and insecurities to affect our children without even realizing it. If we constantly talk about being on a diet or comment negatively about our appearance or weight, it can impact our children’s body image and self-esteem. To promote a positive and healthy relationship with food and body image, it is important to focus on eating well and staying active for energy and overall well-being. Instead of talking about being on a diet, we can emphasize the importance of making healthy choices and feeling good.
We can’t afford that
While it is important to teach children about finances and living within their means, saying “we can’t afford that” can limit their understanding of money and finance. Instead of shutting down their desires and dreams, we can redirect their focus and teach them about saving and budgeting. By saying something like “that would be a really neat thing to get, but right now we are saving up for something else,” we teach them the value of delayed gratification and help them develop a more comprehensive understanding of financial management.
Don’t talk to strangers
Teaching children about safety and caution is essential, but simply telling them not to talk to strangers may not be the most effective approach. Rather than instilling fear and suspicion, we can teach children to be discerning about who to talk to. For example, instead of saying “don’t talk to strangers,” we can encourage them to look for a grandma or mother with children, a store person in a uniform, or a first responder if they ever feel lost or need help. This teaches children how to identify trustworthy individuals and promotes a positive and proactive approach to safety.
Be careful
Being overly cautious and constantly telling our children to “be careful” can hinder their development and growth. While it is important to ensure their safety, we need to provide them with opportunities to take risks, learn from mistakes, and develop resilience. Instead of using a blanket phrase like “be careful,” we can consider the context and offer guidance when necessary. For example, if your child is playing on the monkey bars, you can spot them in case of an incident and have a discussion about using discretion and judgment in their activities. This allows them to learn from their experiences and make informed decisions on their own.
No dessert unless you finish your dinner
Linking dessert to finishing dinner can create a negative approach to food and mealtimes. Instead of using dessert as a reward for finishing their meal, we can reframe it in a positive way. By saying something like “you can have dessert after your dinner is finished” or “we all eat dessert once dinner is finished,” we remove the implicit conditionality and emphasize the importance of enjoying a balanced meal. This promotes a healthier mindset towards food and encourages children to listen to their own hunger cues and preferences.
Let me help you
While it is natural for parents to want to help and guide their children, it is important to give them space to develop their skills and independence. Constantly jumping in to help can hinder their growth and prevent them from learning valuable problem-solving and decision-making skills. Instead of immediately offering help, we can encourage independent play and exploration, allowing children to figure things out on their own. By offering guidance rather than immediate solutions, we empower them to develop their own abilities and build self-confidence.
The negative effects of certain phrases on children’s development
Dependence on approval from others
When we constantly seek approval or affirmation from others, we may become dependent on it for our own self-worth. This same dynamic can apply to children if we always tell them “great job” without encouraging them to evaluate their own efforts and achievements. By promoting self-reflection and self-evaluation, we help them develop a sense of intrinsic motivation and independence.
Unrealistic expectations
The phrase “practice makes perfect” can create unrealistic expectations, implying that perfection is the ultimate goal. This can put unnecessary pressure on children and lead to feelings of inadequacy or fear of failure. By emphasizing effort, progress, and growth rather than perfection, we encourage a healthier mindset and foster resilience in the face of challenges.
Triggers thoughts of not being okay
Telling our children “you’re okay” in moments of distress may unintentionally trigger thoughts of not being okay in their minds. This can lead to emotional confusion and a lack of emotional awareness. By acknowledging and validating their feelings, we help them develop emotional intelligence and a better understanding of their own emotions.
Unnecessary pressure
Telling our children to hurry up creates unnecessary pressure and stress. It can make them feel rushed and anxious, affecting their ability to focus and perform tasks effectively. By providing a supportive and collaborative environment, we promote a sense of calm and enable children to complete tasks at their own pace.
Negative impact on body image and self-esteem
Talking about being on a diet or commenting negatively about our own appearance can have a negative impact on our children’s body image and self-esteem. It can create a distorted perception of beauty and promote insecurities. By focusing on healthy choices and overall well-being, we instill positive values and encourage a healthy relationship with food and body image.
Limiting understanding of finances
Simply saying “we can’t afford that” can limit children’s understanding of money and finance. It may prevent them from learning about saving, budgeting, and making informed financial decisions. By redirecting their focus and discussing alternative options, we teach them valuable skills and promote financial literacy from a young age.
Promoting fear instead of discernment
Telling children not to talk to strangers without any context or guidance can promote fear and suspicion. It may prevent them from developing essential social skills and the ability to assess situations and individuals. By teaching children to be discerning about who to talk to and providing specific guidelines, we empower them to make informed choices and navigate social interactions safely.
Hindering development and growth
Being overly cautious and constantly telling children to “be careful” can hinder their development and growth. It may discourage them from taking risks, exploring new experiences, and learning from mistakes. By providing a balance of safety and independence, we allow children to develop crucial skills, resilience, and a sense of adventure.
Negative approach to food and mealtimes
Linking dessert to finishing dinner can create a negative association with food and mealtimes. It may lead children to view dessert as a reward or something to be earned, rather than enjoying a balanced meal based on their own hunger cues. By reframing our approach and emphasizing the importance of a balanced meal, we promote a healthier relationship with food and encourage children to listen to their own bodies.
Lack of independence and self-confidence
Constantly offering help and not allowing children to solve problems on their own can hinder their development of independence and self-confidence. It may make them reliant on others for solutions and discourage them from trying new things. By giving children space to develop their skills and providing guidance when necessary, we foster independence, problem-solving abilities, and self-confidence.
Importance of giving children space
Encourages independence and problem-solving skills
Giving children space allows them to develop independence and problem-solving skills. When they have the opportunity to figure things out on their own, they learn to rely on their own abilities and develop creative solutions. This promotes a sense of self-sufficiency and empowers them to face challenges with confidence.
Fosters creativity and innovation
When children have the freedom to explore and experiment without constant intervention, they are more likely to develop creativity and innovation. They can think outside the box, take risks, and discover their own unique talents and interests. This cultivates a sense of individuality and prepares them for future endeavors.
Promotes self-confidence and self-esteem
Having the space to navigate their own experiences and overcome obstacles builds self-confidence and self-esteem in children. As they learn to trust their abilities and make their own decisions, they develop a strong sense of self and belief in their capabilities. This provides a solid foundation for their personal and academic growth.
Allows for natural skill development
When we give children space, we allow them to explore their interests and passions at their own pace. This enables them to discover their natural talents and develop specific skills. By nurturing their natural abilities, we support their personal growth and help them cultivate their unique strengths.
Builds resilience and perseverance
Facing challenges and overcoming obstacles is an important part of personal growth and development. Giving children space to navigate these experiences builds resilience and perseverance. It teaches them to bounce back from failure, learn from mistakes, and persevere in the face of adversity. This resilience prepares them for future challenges and helps them develop a positive mindset.
Enhances decision-making abilities
Allowing children to make their own decisions and experience the consequences of those decisions helps them develop strong decision-making abilities. It encourages critical thinking, problem-solving, and the ability to weigh options and make informed choices. By giving them space to practice decision-making, we equip them with valuable life skills.
Encourages a growth mindset
Giving children space reinforces a growth mindset, which is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and practice. When they have the freedom to explore, make mistakes, and learn from their experiences, they understand that failure is not a reflection of their worth but an opportunity for growth. This mindset fosters resilience, curiosity, and a love for learning.
Improves social and emotional development
Having space to navigate social interactions and emotions allows children to develop important social and emotional skills. It enables them to understand and manage their own emotions, empathize with others, and develop healthy relationships. By allowing them to learn through their own experiences, we support their overall social and emotional growth.
Provides opportunities for self-discovery
Giving children space allows them to explore their own interests, preferences, and values. It gives them the freedom to discover who they are and what brings them joy and fulfillment. By providing opportunities for self-discovery, we encourage them to develop a strong sense of identity and purpose.
Supports overall development and well-being
By giving children space, we support their overall development and well-being. It allows them to develop autonomy, independence, and a strong sense of self. It promotes positive mental health, resilience, and a growth mindset. Ultimately, providing space for children to navigate their own experiences and learn from mistakes sets them up for success in all areas of life.
Ways to give children space to develop their skills
Encourage independent play
Encouraging independent play allows children to develop their imaginations, problem-solving skills, and creativity. Provide them with open-ended toys and materials that promote exploration and independent play. Allow them to engage in unstructured playtime where they have the freedom to play and discover on their own.
Let them make mistakes
Mistakes are a natural part of the learning process. Instead of intervening or correcting every mistake, allow children to make mistakes and learn from them. This builds resilience, problem-solving skills, and a growth mindset. Offer guidance and support when needed, but also encourage them to find their own solutions.
Emphasize effort over outcome
When praising or evaluating your child’s performance, focus on their effort rather than solely on the outcome. This encourages them to value hard work, dedication, and perseverance. By emphasizing the process and highlighting their progress, you promote a growth mindset and foster a love for learning and improvement.
Provide a supportive and nurturing environment
Create a supportive and nurturing environment where children feel safe to explore and take risks. Offer encouragement, reassurance, and unconditional love. Let them know that mistakes are learning opportunities and that you are there to support their growth and development.
Allow for free exploration and experimentation
Give children the freedom to explore their interests and passions through hands-on experiences. Provide them with opportunities to experiment, try new things, and discover their own unique talents. Encourage curiosity and foster a sense of wonder and discovery.
Offer guidance rather than immediate solutions
Instead of immediately providing solutions to problems or challenges, offer guidance and encourage critical thinking. Ask open-ended questions and help children think through their options. This allows them to develop problem-solving skills and learn to trust their own judgment.
Support their interests and passions
Take an active interest in your child’s interests and passions. Provide resources, materials, and opportunities for them to pursue their passions. Encourage them to set goals, explore possibilities, and take initiative in their own learning and growth.
Promote problem-solving and critical thinking
Encourage children to think critically and solve problems independently. Present them with age-appropriate challenges and guide them through the problem-solving process. This helps them develop problem-solving skills, logical thinking, and confidence in their abilities.
Encourage independent decision-making
Give children opportunities to make their own decisions and learn from the consequences. This enables them to develop decision-making skills, accountability, and a sense of personal responsibility. Offer guidance and support when needed, but also allow them the space to learn from their choices.
Provide opportunities for growth and learning
Create a rich and stimulating environment that provides opportunities for growth and learning. Offer age-appropriate books, activities, and experiences that allow children to explore new subjects and develop new skills. Support their curiosity and encourage them to seek out knowledge and experiences that interest them.
How to overcome the urge to immediately jump in and help
Recognize the importance of independence
Recognize that independence is a crucial aspect of your child’s development. Understand that by offering them space to navigate their own experiences, you are fostering their growth, self-confidence, and problem-solving skills. Shift your perspective to see independence as a positive attribute rather than a loss of control.
Understand the benefits of allowing children to struggle
Understand that struggling and facing challenges is an essential part of learning and growth. By allowing children to struggle, you are providing them with valuable opportunities to develop resilience, perseverance, and problem-solving skills. Trust in their ability to overcome obstacles and support them in finding their own solutions.
Focus on long-term growth and development
Shift your focus from immediate results or perfection to long-term growth and development. Recognize that the process is more important than the outcome and that mistakes and setbacks are valuable learning opportunities. Keep in mind that your child’s development is a journey and that each experience contributes to their overall growth.
Trust in your child’s abilities
Trust in your child’s abilities and allow them to take risks within safe and appropriate boundaries. Have confidence in their capacity to learn, adapt, and overcome challenges. Believe in their resilience and resourcefulness, and provide guidance and support when necessary without taking over or undermining their efforts.
Practice patience and restraint
Practice patience and restraint when the urge to immediately jump in and help arises. Take a step back and give your child the space they need to figure things out on their own. Remind yourself that mistakes and struggles are valuable learning experiences and that interfering may rob them of these opportunities for growth.
Step back and observe
Step back and observe your child’s actions and thought processes. Pay attention to their problem-solving skills, decision-making abilities, and independence. Celebrate their small victories and recognize their growth and progress. By stepping back and observing, you gain valuable insights into their capabilities and strengths.
Offer support when truly needed
While it is important to give children space, there are times when they genuinely need your help and support. Assess the situation and determine if your intervention is necessary. If your child is in immediate danger or experiencing extreme frustration, offer the help they need. Trust your instincts as a parent and provide support when it is truly needed.
Seek guidance from experts or professionals
If you are struggling with the balance between giving children space and providing support, seek guidance from experts or professionals. Consult with pediatricians, educators, or child psychologists who can offer valuable insights and strategies based on their expertise. Remember that there are resources available to support you in your parenting journey.
Reflect on your own upbringing and beliefs
Reflect on your own upbringing and beliefs about independence and the role of a parent. Consider how these factors may be influencing your behaviors and decisions as a parent. Be open to challenging and reevaluating your beliefs, and strive to create an environment that promotes independence and supports your child’s growth and development.
Prioritize your child’s well-being and development
Above all, prioritize your child’s well-being and development. Recognize that giving them space is a crucial aspect of nurturing their growth, independence, and self-confidence. Trust in their abilities, offer guidance when needed, and provide a supportive and nurturing environment that allows them to thrive and flourish. Your role as a parent is to empower and facilitate their journey towards becoming independent, capable, and resilient individuals.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the words we choose when interacting with our children have a significant impact on their development and well-being. By avoiding phrases like “great job,” “practice makes perfect,” “you’re okay,” “hurry up,” “I’m on a diet,” “we can’t afford that,” “don’t talk to strangers,” “be careful,” “no dessert unless you finish your dinner,” and “let me help you,” we can create a more positive and empowering environment for our children. Giving them space to grow, learn, and develop their skills is essential for fostering independence, creativity, self-confidence, and overall well-being. By understanding the negative effects of certain phrases and prioritizing our children’s growth and development, we can create a nurturing and supportive environment that allows them to flourish.